From Knights of the Dinner Table


Squirrely (S.S.#234-56A-003)[edit]

Squirrely was one of a dozen chimpanzees who were the subjects of a joint NSA-USAF project that operated in secrecy at the height of the Cold War. Selected after a rigorous screening process the 'subjects' were taught a wide variety of skills of a covert military nature. His exceptional intelligence fast-tracked him even deeper into the shadows of secrecy. It is suspected he, and a dozen other chimps, were trained to fly modified U2 long-range reconnaissance aircraft. [Wreckage of a U2 crash recently recovered in Sri Lanka lends credence to the theory. The remains of a chimpanzee in flight gear was discovered in the fuselage.] The details of the project, however, and Squirrely's involvement have never been fully disclosed.

A freedom of information act search uncovered scant details of his military service save for a directive from President Johnson, commissioning "S.S.#234-56A-003 into federal service" and "assigned to an undisclosed southeast Asian" base to begin an "operational role in the conflict." Other than that, Squirrely disappears from the record for the next twenty years.

With the collapse of the Soviet hegemony in 1989, the project lost funding and was forced to sell its test subjects at auction. Subject 234-56A-003 was purchased by a P. Ashton of Muncie, IN for the sum of $586. (The serial number is tattooed on an inner lobe of Squirrely's left ear. Although fluent in lip reading and sign language (English, Russian, and Vietnamese), neither his owner nor anyone who frequents the Games Pit shop are aware of it, nor his incredible background. Squirrely is content to live in secluded retirement, working as Pete's assistant and enjoying an occasional burrito.

Over the years, he's become an icon in the local gaming community - often mistaken for a monkey. At times, it appears he is employed by Pete, doing odd jobs after hours, unloading product from the back of trucks, mopping the floor, etc. Although apparently more intelligent than the average chimp, he seems to be accident-prone. (Once he accidentally got caught in the fanbelt of Pete's VW while changing the oil.)

Unbeknownst to Pete, for years Squirrely had been eating lead figurines (His cage was within arm's length of the display racks) resulting in the strange neurological disorder(s) that earned him his name and made him what he is today - an unbeaten, over-muscled, half-crazed, arm-wrestling, grudge-carrying, lunatic simian.

Weird Pete holds a yearly contest where people attempt to best Squirrely at arm wrestling. Squirrely really seems to enjoy the attention and is apparently proud of the fact he remains unbeaten.

This page uses content from Wikipedia. The original article was at Squirrely.
The list of authors can be seen in the page history. As with Knights of the Dinner Table, the text of Wikipedia is available under the GNU Free Documentation License.